Got soccer redux?

Boo hoo, America lost in the knockout round of the World Cup. Yawn. We scored once all game, on a penalty kick.

Ghana's second goal was a wicked shot, the best I've seen in the tourney so far. Beautiful kicks like that are few and far between because scoring in soccer is so hard, especially with defenders hanging on you every step.

It's almost impossible to get "space" in the box. The scorer in overtime created a tiny bit of space and made a superb shot.

If you get a step on the defenders, they'll take you down. And half the strikers cowardly take a dive in traffic trying to get a free kick.

Soccer needs scoring. It needs fixing.

The Americans could help out here. FIFA should borrow rules and procedures from the NHL, NBA and NFL.

Every goal in soccer is suspect because of the archaic, stifling offsides rule. Make offsides only be dependent upon no one being offsides when the ball first crosses midfield (the blue line in hockey).

Then strikers could spread out and get open. Teams would have to make choices in defending their end.

To ensure that two strikers don't hang out bracketing the goalie, have a three second rule in the box like in the NBA. We love those riveting nil-nil games after all.

Soccer is so boring because of all that backwards passing, often all the way back to the goalie. The rest of the world slowly passes the ball back 75 yards to try to advance it 90 yards into the scoring zone.

This is trying to get a head start, I guess. You know, like a quarterback taking a snap at midfield and running back to the 10 to try to throw a bomb.

To keep movement mostly being progressive, institute the backcourt and icing rules from basketball and hockey. No passes backwards past midfield once the ball on offense has entered the box unless it has been lost in the interim, or else the other team gets a free kick at the spot the ball was touched by the offending team (always at least 10 yards outside the penalty area regardless). No backwards passing series past two lines anyways, to eliminate all that boring back-to-the-goalie stuff.

When a player gets fouled, give a free kick from there but tack on 15 yards (move the ball closer). Why let the defense use fouling, and the resultant free kicks from the point of the foul, as a chance for the defense to catch up and reset.

Keep the game time on the scoreboard clock, and have it stop during all that "stoppage" time when players are writhing on the ground after receiving phantom hits. When the period is over, that's it.

This will give sponsors the ability to have TV timeouts. There is no 45-minute-long continuous flow to soccer, that's a ridiculous notion.

Change the asinine rule (which is hard to determine) that the ball is scored, or dead, only when it completely crosses the line. Adopt the NFL's break-the-plane rule.

And for sure, have the FIFA commish assess fines each week after reviewing game tapes for flopping, unseemly unwarranted writhing, peacock strutting after gooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals, clothes-grabbing and bad fouling. Soccer sucks the way it is now.

Happy Birthday Jimmy

My oldest boy had a birthday recently. He's in his early twenties. Ever since he turned 21 I don't bother trying to contact him anymore. I don't want to bug him. On that day he changed his name to her name, so I guess that's how he feels. Divorce lawyers and domestic law mental-health "counselors" had a field day spoiling his childhood, in my opinion. Good job, Joe, Bill, Vic and especially you Meg, along with your allegedly intimate friend who "advised" you that your deep conflict in "treating" both mother and child concurrently was okay. I'm working hard on forgiveness in my heart for the likes of you all.

The plus side is he'll always be 14 in my mind, because really, that's the last time I knew him although he lives 2 miles away with his mother, still. He was a small, fast boy who was a superior although not gifted athlete. He made things happen for his team. Here's a "memories" piece I wrote 8 years ago when his rec basketball team rode him at guard and J at small forward to the championship game.

In the finals, no one thought HB had a chance. VT had a superior big man to counter J, and 3 good guards with size, including the league's best player, with which to overwhelm HB's smallish guards.

But J along with HB's very physical forward equalized the court down low for HB. Jimmy didn't panic when HB fell behind early and brought his team back evenly so they eventually forged ahead, with Jimmy neutralizing the play of the big guards and using his quickness and passing ability to move the ball around and control the tempo.

When Jimmy sat out the 2d period, the game became faster-paced and HB fell behind by 7. Then Jimmy re-entered the game and slowly HB caught back up and took the lead. Whenever VT mounted a charge, Jimmy shut them down by getting the ball to the shooting guard for a perimeter shot or to J down low for a short jumper. Although he was having an off night shooting, Jimmy put in some strategic points, knocking down a crucial J and scoring twice close in. He got some rebounds and kept the ball out of the hands of the stars on VT. He scored 7 points as HB won 54-40 going away because of HB's excellent chemistry, forced upon VT by Jimmy's methodical play and complemented by J's usual outstanding game and the solid contributions of every other teammate fulfilling his role.

It was a beautiful game to watch, seeing how the smallest (and quickest and maybe the sharpest, although not the best) player on the court delivered the championship for his team. [Fatherly pride.]

I can still hear the sneakers squeak and see Jimmy leaning forward with the ball in his hands, about to do something with it.

Happy Birthday, Jimmy. I hope you're well.