Anxious

I am a lawyer.  Do you think I ever get completely accurate information from doctors?

My 3d eye surgery comes up next week because the first emergency surgery, for a retinal tear, failed and the second emergency surgery filled my eye with oil which now has to come out.  I can't wait for it to be over because I am dreading it.

Why did the first surgery fail? There was no reason given except that, me being an anomaly of that one in 10,000 people who inexplicably develops retinal detachment, I was further statistically unlucky in being in the ten percent of recipients of corrective surgery whose procedure did not adhere. How well I remember the first surgery where, having been given a local anesthesia, I shockingly felt the scalpel go into my eye like a hot spike and the doctor yelling at me as I thrashed around on the operating table to Be Still!

The surgeon explained to me on the day-after follow up checkup that I was extremely "anxious" about the surgery and therefore I reacted badly to the operation as it occurred and he wasn't able to fully "cement" the "background" of my eye with his laser as he wished to because I was moving around too much but he was able to fully zap the tears in my retina so the operation was a wrap although shorter than he wished. Except that a week later I was under the knife again because at the one-week checkup the retina (but not the tears) was detaching, but for that procedure I was totally under so I didn't (obviously) feel a thing. 

For the third operation next week I am going to get a local again because for some reason, I have to be sentient during the delicate procedure while they swap out the W-40 for saline solution because otherwise I might retch involuntarily under general anesthesia but such an unlikely occurrence would "ruin" my eye if they had to . . . what, work to revive me?

Furthermore, with the white flares that erupt in my right eye several times daily bedeviling me, which the doctor said was my retina "flexing" and therefore exposing my optic nerve, I wonder if when the eye is cut open to drain the oil, whether my retina will "roll up" as the doctor explained to me might happen, in which case he would insert the gas bubble to keep the eye pressure up, which returns me to the July 31st surgery, the very first operation (that failed) and two weeks of face down recovery.  Did you ever watch Groundhog Day?  Go straight to Jail and do not pass Go.

I greatly fear the possibility of a stabbing pain in my eye during next week's operation similar to what I felt during the first operation because my memory of it is strong and my control of my body in response to such sudden intrusive pain is weak.  But I have also come to think that the anesthesiologist for the first operation might have botched her part and they're not telling me that, and in my sudden pain then I moved involuntarily and that ultimately caused the first operation to fail, because it wasn't completed fully.  I hate to be fearful, and I am wont to be suspicious, which leads me to be anxious.